Monthly Archives: February 2008

Protected: I sooo opened my mouth to soon…

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Had soooo much fun…

This weekend!! Went out with the girls and took my str8 friend to Papermoon…it was awesome. I think I just needed a day to not care, let shit go and dance like a mad woman!! And dance like a mad woman I did!! I love to people watch and better place than a bar??? Though, I’d have to say I can’t imagine doing weekend after weekend. Going twice a year suits me fine! Also went to lunch with my parents on Saturday, I want to get closer to them, so we are working on that. Overall, I had an excellent time with old friends and some new friends as well!!

Ran into J’s partner (T) ex at the bar. She was nice enough, but it’s weird how I keep to myself when I know there is a link between me and J sitting next to me. I want to ask so many questions though. I mean this woman lived with T for 3 years, she’d know what she is like..we don’t and she lives with Merick with her two kids. She did say that T was a good mom…that’s good!! She said that T has an agenda and it’s usually money….well J has plenty so there ya go. I just said, well she found the right woman then….wanted to say, I hope she fucks J over….then thought better of it! 😉

On another note, Haven’t heard from J since our weekend with M. It’s funny that she interfere’s all day long when he is with us, but refuses to admit that is what she is doing. Rizzi talked with M last night and he told her that she is ruining his life because she won’t take him to scouts. Now I understand that M has his own mind, and he wants certain things that won’t be given, but his other mom puts a lot of shit in his mind. And if not going to scouts is ruining his life, I do believe I have a Drama Queen on my hands 🙂

****I just got home from picking up kids…it was a long weekend without them. Cheyenne cracks me up….she tells me today…wanna know why I’m going to be a teacher when I grow up? I said, why sweetie? She says, cause you can take your shoes off! God I love her!! How simple is that? I have to remember how to be that simple!
Andy called me today, he will be leaving for Iraq on 05 April…I worry how the kids will handle it. Wonder how to answer all the questions, how to stay positive when they will be sad, but know that they will still be linked to him by going to his wife and their other house. We’ll see…..

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Protected: I was so…

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Filed under Relationships

Can’t even put into words today…

how I feel….like breathing hurts, like I’m an idiot….like I just blew out a flame that I assumed was burning bright for me by someone else, all the while it was me burning it for someone else confusing myself, yet again. I so know that makes no sense to anyone else, but that’s not what this for right? It sucks to feel empty, and you depleted yourself without even knowing you were doing it!! I’m so numb, crying would be difficult right now. I don’t know if I’m mad, sad, frustrated….all of it…..NUMB!!!!

Running away is no longer an option. How many people will I hurt because I learn to accept certain things about myself….No more. No more will I go on acting as though life is ok, that I’m the happiest person alive and that I’m a special, spectacular person. I’m not. I’m not really worth the effort it turns out….not really that amazing that people can be caught up in me….gotta do that for myself, but not sure how.

I thought Cancer taught me all this….I thought it showed me how amazing life really was, and how to live it the right way….How to hold on to people tight and show them what they mean, to let them know DAILY that they are my world….is it just me that lives this way?? And why does it have to be wrong to want others to do it the same way, so they dont live with regret or sorrow? Oh yeah, that’s lifes lesson, everyone is different and Marcy soooo can’t grasp that. I’m so sick of lessons, I’m so sick of disappointment and I’m realizing what I’m doing to myself and that’s hard!!! I have no one to blame, counter accuse….it’s will always come down to me and me alone!! FUCK…..this sucks!!!

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Protected: God, did someone just punch me….

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Could it be…

that spring is on it’s way? I woke up the house this morning (opening all the blinds and a window just a crack) and within a half hour, the house felt alive. I believe if my 82 year old house could sing it would have been :). I walked outside, getting ready to go shopping, and could hear the snow melting away. It wasn’t just the tick, tick tick, of snow falling off the house, I swear you can hear the earth taking a drink from the concrete and dirt. I sat silently for a moment, letting the sun soak into my sun parched skin. It’s so nice to feel sunray kisses and light ray hugs. Made me want to cry.

I don’t know what it is about this time of year, but I’m a blubbering idiot. I really do hate the winter, it’s depressing and I have no motivation, which in turn makes me not like Marcy so much. I am starting to notice as the weather changes, as I watch Mother Earth shed her old skin, I too must go through the same transition. I suppose that the snow, as it melts away and falls like tears, I too am going through the same transition. Letting go of all that is old, ugly and worn out and prepare for our new, bright, pretty skin.

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Filed under My thoughts

Searching…

to find how I can make a difference, where I fit in and how I can help. Being born a helper is so satisfying, but frustrating at the same time. I think I’m partly a control freak, because I want everyone else’s burdens so that I can take awaly their pain. I just spent the afternoon reading Keri’s blog, and wow, let it be mine. Let me take the heart ache, frustration, anger, sorrow, and all that is bad for her.

I wake up with Rizzi and wonder what will be her hurdles for the day and PLEASE, let them be mine. I hate to see her in any distress…

Watching her hang a picture (I’m soooo not good with tools) she amazes me!! She is truly my center and balance, by bestfriend, confidante, all of it….even if I do frustrate her 🙂

*****

Ok, so there I am minding my own business, cleaning out the sink. Now usually we use Soft Scrub, however I had some Comet so I thought I would use it….well ok, we ran out of the other so I had no choice, but anyways…I start scrubbing the sink and Comet has the most distinct smell too it…it seriously took me back to being a kid with my sister doing chores.

I was 11 or 12 which made Jenny 10 or 11. My mom and dad worked during our summer vacations so we were left to tend ourselves (we were good kids so my parents didn’t have much to worry about….yet). Every morning we would wake up to find the dreaded yellow note pad left on the counter with the days chores that had to be accomplished before my mom arrived home from work.

First thing we would do in the morning….turn off the stupid swamp cooler…it was cold. Even the note mom left said NOT to turn it off, it would get hot in the afternoon and the swamp cooler would have a hard time catching up, we knew she’d never know the difference. We’d go out to the kitchen with our wild, just woke up hair, with red sleepy eyes and moan over the list of projects/chores that needed to be done. We knew that mom wouldn’t be home until close to 1500, so we would get our cereal, go out to the living room and turn on The Price is Right….god I loved that show!! We’d slowly wake up to Who’s the Boss and crack each other up with who know what now. I’d always let Jenny shower first, she is the girliest girl I know, so that she could take her time in getting ready. We seriously wouldn’t step outside until close to noon. We would walk to KarMart most days with the few dollars mom left us to buy New York Seltzer’s…do you remember those….oh yeah Raspberry was the best. We’d always buy Swedish Fish too….used to be able to get them for a penny a piece. We’d walk back home and sit on the porch and talk about everything and nothing. We’d pull out the “boom box” and listen to music, people watch and talk sooooo much shit about everyone….we would laugh non-stop. She was my everything…my sister, bestfriend, partner in crime….hell she still is!!
At about 1430 we’d freak out that mom was gonna be home soon….AHHHH!! We’d run into the house like time snuck up on us and scramble for the yellow list. I usually had to clean the bathroom, and I’d let Jenny vacuum….she said it was easier. I’d grab the sponge and start with the sink. The comet would puff out of the canister and it was always so cool to watch the water hit it…and the smell…

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Filed under Bein a kid