how I feel….like breathing hurts, like I’m an idiot….like I just blew out a flame that I assumed was burning bright for me by someone else, all the while it was me burning it for someone else confusing myself, yet again. I so know that makes no sense to anyone else, but that’s not what this for right? It sucks to feel empty, and you depleted yourself without even knowing you were doing it!! I’m so numb, crying would be difficult right now. I don’t know if I’m mad, sad, frustrated….all of it…..NUMB!!!!
Running away is no longer an option. How many people will I hurt because I learn to accept certain things about myself….No more. No more will I go on acting as though life is ok, that I’m the happiest person alive and that I’m a special, spectacular person. I’m not. I’m not really worth the effort it turns out….not really that amazing that people can be caught up in me….gotta do that for myself, but not sure how.
I thought Cancer taught me all this….I thought it showed me how amazing life really was, and how to live it the right way….How to hold on to people tight and show them what they mean, to let them know DAILY that they are my world….is it just me that lives this way?? And why does it have to be wrong to want others to do it the same way, so they dont live with regret or sorrow? Oh yeah, that’s lifes lesson, everyone is different and Marcy soooo can’t grasp that. I’m so sick of lessons, I’m so sick of disappointment and I’m realizing what I’m doing to myself and that’s hard!!! I have no one to blame, counter accuse….it’s will always come down to me and me alone!! FUCK…..this sucks!!!