Monthly Archives: March 2008

Just wanted to mention….

I’m pretty much a ROCKSTAR….that’s it….I’m outty for today!

🙂

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It’s a boy!!!!!

That is what the balloons said that we sent him after his surgery!! He sent me a text on surgery day saying “I’m a boy!!” It is incredible to watch a person transform into who they really are. Thanks for the journey, though it’s just began, and trusting to have me along!!

Thought I’d update on Andy and Afghanistan (that’s were he is actually goin). He leaves next Saturday at 0745…I hope the kids will be ok, though I know I set the tone on how well my kids will be. If I have a hard time, they will too. If I stay strong, confident and empathetic, they will as well. I see I will have to pep talk myself this coming week and be cool as a cucumber….

Got registered for all my classes. Of course the online course I wanted was closed (Bastards!!!) They start in May, and I don’t know if I have ever been this excited for school.

So I sluffed work tonight by the insistance of Rizzi. Soooo glad I did. We spent some time together, watched some L-word (still on season 4 cause we don’t have Showtime and got the DVD’s for X-mas.) Rizzi is the most kind, compassionate person I have ever been with. She is the safest person I have ever shared with and she fits like a glove. I am the luckiest girl in the galaxy 🙂

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Filed under My thoughts, Relationships, Thinking of Friends

So much to say…

so little time. Ok, update on employee, he called. I sent it to voicemail. He left message and acted as though we are bestfriends. I won’t text or tell him over the phone that we are not friends, and that he has got to find someone else to help him, but I don’t know if doing it face to face is a good idea either *sigh*.

Went to dinner last night with Rizzi and the kids, P&C and K. K is a friend of mine that is transgendering and goes to get his top surgery today…YAY!!! I am so excited for him. I talked with him this morning and we decided that “drunk” texting is in order this evening. My kids met him for the first time last Friday and Chey really loves him. When I told her this morning that K was getting his surgery today, she chanted his name over and over and asked if she could stay the night to help take care of him. I love her!! Funny thing is that Chey is my tough nut that doesn’t usually like people. She’s my introvert, so it’s cool when you see her attach herself to people. P&C is my straight friend who is the BIGGEST allie ever….same with her mom. I have HUGE love for P&C….she’s the best.

By the way…had a big fire in the fire pit in the back yard last night….I LOVE IT!!!

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Blast from the past….

*****Warning, this is really, really long*****

So there I was sitting on my couch minding my own business yesterday, when I get a text from a number that was way to famaliar. Some history….

About two years ago I became friends with my bestest friend in the whole world, we’ll call her Prance and Cheer (P&C for short). Me and P&C work together. P&C was dating a fellow employee and it turned sooooo ugly. Ugly to the point that the fellow employee was stalking her (remember, we are cops here), threatening suicide weekly, but he was crafty enough to have the rest of us (other employees that are friends off duty) believing that he was just having a hard time since his divorce. I can’t tell you how many times I took this employee to dinner to try and “help” him find himself and cheer him up. Well, it all came to head when P&C FINALLY filed a complaint at work (he would harrasse her there as well.) It turn into an IA (Internal Affairs investigation) and all of us were drug through hell. Now I’d say normally that an employee that has been investigated for stalking and admitted to the psyche ward for an attempted suicide wouldn’t stay employed at our law enforcement agency…..guess again. Turns out that employee and the Cheif (who has since retired) are good buddies. Like go to coffee daily kinda buddies, so needless to say, employee kept his job (it should be noted he held the rank of Lieutenant). He was no longer a Lt., but he was placed in a civlian position with similar pay, got a take home vehicle (which he didn’t have before) and still comes in contact with all involved. P&C was devastated and still has anxiety about running into him. TRUST me, I’ve told her a million times to get an attorney….she won’t.

Ok, so back to sitting on the couch. I get a text from employee….

“Just wanted 2 say thanks 4 u’r help and sorry 4 be’in such a dick 4 the last year.”

WHAT??? Why now??? I truly thought he was going to kill himself this time. I just imagined this being his last text. It took me a second to recognize the number, and I called P&C to be sure it was him. Well, if you’ve been trained in critical incidents (which I thought this very may well be) you know to start dialogue. So I text back,

“Eli…OMG..It’s been forever! What are you doin?”

Ok, so it comes off really nice right? I was hoping to get a feel for his mental state, good, bad, moved on, still stuck in mental torment…you get the idea. He text back,

“Glad you figured it out! :)”

Ok, doesn’t tell me mental state…though the smiley made me feel a little better. I send,

“It took me a minute. How have you been?”

He sends,

“Ok! Just try’in 2 appologise 2 everyone i fucked over. U’r one!”

Oh shit, back to regret and making ammends…realize I am sooo done with this guy. He seriously needs help beyond what a jailer can give, but I also know I have to get a sense of his mental state. This is why, so that Marcy can be ok with Marcy. I hope you understand what I mean. So if Employee killed himself without talking with me I’d be ok, but if employee killed himself after reaching out to me I wouldnt be ok. Make sense?? So I send,

“You didn’t fuck me over..You did that to yourself. Sounds like your doing better. Know that I’m not bitter or hold grudges..I was worried about you, then got pissed and then got over it 🙂 thank you so much for the apology.”

Now all of this is very true, but it’s also a set up…I call it bait statements. It almost forces someone to reply, with no question being asked. It will show if Employee has moved forward, or is still stuck in mental torment by his response. He responded,

“Just try’in 2 get lean w-people i like. Thanks and sorry.”

Bastard, he just baited me. It again leaves you feeling as though his mental state is that of regret and making ammends before taking drastic steps. I have to remember he is trained even better than I. I decided it was time to take kids gloves off and go for it. I sent,

“Are you gonna hurt yourself? I haven’t heard from you in awhile and don’t know how your doing so i want to make sure.”

There, I said it!! Now I am aware he can lie….he’s done it before, but it’s not about him. It’s about me…if he responds with a no, then I’m ok, don’t have to make it better and tell him to shove it….lol….ok, I would never do that, but I will have a different level of responsiblity to myself. He responds,

“No don’t be retarded 🙂 but thats how everyone treats me.”

FUCK REALLY!!!! OMG…cause you cried wolf so many times that is how people are going to view you….I think I almost tore my hair out on that one….he is soooo oblivious to how he was/is. I sent,

“You can’t blame us!! I’d say most of us are leary…I’m glad your doing well. Can I ask what brought this on?”

Please, Please, Please remember I asked this question early on….the truth comes out at the end, but instead he said…

“Just been so distant from people who helped me but beem 2 embarrased 2 talk about those timer.” (times)

I sent,

“I can understand that. I’m sure it’s hard sometimes. So tell me what your up to now.”

Notice, I don’t want to talk about the past, he just said he’s embarassed to talk about it, so being the polite person I am, I ask how he is now…it’s been 2 years. You’d hope that you could talk about something new, but to honest….I don’t even care. He sent,

“Just try’in 2 keep my life in 1 piece. But when i try 2 talk about what im feel’in people go nuts and think i’m gunna blow my brains out.”

Who says this shit? Understand, that is what employee was telling me two years ago. He just wanted to share his feelings. What a selfish prick. It’s always about him and his feelings, and he takes no one else into account. It’s so hard to be nice sometimes. I sent,

“Is that why your trying to re-connect with past friends?”

Unfortunately text takes away from the sarcasm dripping off my voice. He sent,

“I think so.”

“I just want 2 talk 2 people who know me.”

HA HA….Anyways, I sent,

“(his name)…I don’t think i really knew you…you were lost.”

He sends,

“I asked u and others 2 cover 4 me based on what i wanted them 2 know about me. That’s why im sorry I used u.”

NO SHIT dumbass…that’s why we will never be friends again….I sent,

“Yeah i know. That’s why i can say i didn’t know you. For real, no need to apology.”

Oops, just noticed my grammatical error *sigh*….he sent,

“I hid myself from everyond and if u pretend 2 b an immage long emough u loose whtgatro u really r.”

Ok, let me dicipher that mess. I hid myself from everyone and if you pretend to be an image long enough u lose who and what you really r. Well, learned that lesson long ago, and not really interested in helping him AT all!! I sent,

“Oh trust me I know. Live that way myself. Tried talking to you about it at dinner once. Told you you had to find yourself.”

He sent,

“I know!! 🙂 i tried drugs 2 find me instead the dr’s said that’s what i needed. Wrong!!”

Ok, now I know he’s off his head meds, could be one of the reasons he’s talking to the past. I was done….I was done because I can’t help or want to frustrate myself with his shit. I sent,

“I’m taking my sick ass to bed. Thanks again..Have a good night.”

YAY…done….or so I thoight. He sent

“U 2”

I snuggled back on the couch with the girlfriend and was pleased that I wasn’t absolutely rude, but was the typical accomodating Marcy. What’s that….my phone ringing again, a text,

“I know I can trust u. I’ve had a lot of stomach problems and i’ve lost 20lbs in 2 weeks. I’m scared 2 death.”

Soooo typical employee….talk around the issue and then spring it on ya when your finished….I was furious!!!

“Have you gone to the doctor?”

He sends,

“No 2 scared. Sorry 2 lay this on u.”

No your not, you love it…your sick twisted ass loves to have drama and make your shit other peoples….not gonna take it, it’s yours!!! I sent,

“You need to go..You know I can’t help with that. You gotta go get checked and then let me know what they say.”

Still can’t figure out why I told him to tell me what the results are….I guess one cancer patient to another. But that’s why he chose me!! He sends,

“I know what the answer is. People treat me like a leper b-cause i tried 2 off myself what will they treat me like when they know i have cancer?”

I sent,

“How do you know it’s cancer?”

He sent,

“I was diagnosed 4 years ago. It was remissive.”

Now mind you, we all knew and hung out with employee then, he never mentioned it….EVER!! I sent,

“What type of cancer?”

He sent,

“Stomach. The only thing they could do is take it ouj and leave me shitt’in in a bag! I won’t live like that!”

I sent,

“Ok…So don’t get your stomache out and wither away….God vain”

What else does he expect? GOD!!! He sent,

“Yes i am! Go 2 bed and thaks 4 let’in me vent.”

It wasn’t venting, it was let’s cry for employee!! I have no pity, sorrow or remorse for him. I really don’t…which is kinda creepy for someone like me. I sent,

“Good night.”

He sent,

“U2 thank’s”

Done right…oh no Mr. pitiful had to send,

“I sent out alot of initial text’t. U were the only 1 who answered. Guess i know who my friends r.”

Ok, I didn’t respond to this one….becasue Im not his friend. I decided that I would need to call employee and tell him that I only answered cause it makes ME feel better. So that I don’t live with regret….Answer a text doesn’t prove a god damn thing….maybe I’m foolish is what that proves.

I called P&C and let her know our conversation…I hope she is ok, she is definetly anxious.

Sorry to ramble, but I had to put it somewhere (like proof) and not lose it…plus it’s thereapy!!

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Filed under Frustration

Sick, Sick, Sick….

that is my current state. The flu, I’ve decided, is no fun!! I am home alone, which is nice sometimes, but it’s lying on the couch with body aches, chills, and a fever. Nothing like sickness to make you feel weak and puny. Though it has givin me a chance to study in silence and do absolutely nothing (though Rizzi reminded me of laundry that needs to be folded) 🙂

****Ok, really, the whole puking thing is horrible. My throat hurts, my body aches, and I’m just all around miserable. I whine when I’m sick and I get irritable (hard to believe, I know!!) I quit smoking today (AGAIN!!) so I think it’s a conspiracy by my body to do me in!! Chantix is a miracle drug I swear, it helps making quitting a attainable goal for me. See, the problem is I love to smoke…I call it my valium, but I am very aware of the dangers, and my enjoyment does not out weigh the danger *sigh* rational Marcy ruins everything! But, I know my kids will be proud and they will be excited for me to quit. Besides that, I am a HUGE believer in actions speak louder than words, so smoking around kids tells them it’s ok. *I swear I’ll FREAK out if they smoke* My sick ass is going back to bed, I had to check to see if I felt human…I don’t.

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Life is..

a series of recognitions and taking advantage of opportunities….or at least that’s what it means to me today. So, life is ever changing as well….it’s how you flow with change that speaks of who and what you are. Though I see the tests, I don’t doubt for one minute that I pass, sometimes with A’s, other times with C’s, but I am certain I am not a failure.

I write this not only for me, but for friends that may be down on their luck….for those, who at moments like now, need someone to show them that it isn’t always about you…not in a rude way, but in a way that says, it’s not your fault, don’t doubt yourself or what you are doing!!! Know that it’s about opportunities…and that little girl wasn’t ready for her opportunity! You pass your life with A’s…maybe she didn’t feel ready for her test. You know who you are when I write this…and I KNOW without doubt that you are ready and willing, but life is ever changing, and though you have had ebbs and tides throughout your life, this is what has defined you, made you who you are….and your incredible. I hope that people give back to you the same way that you give. Thank you for you….know that gifts are given to you everyday, and the gift that you want is waiting….for the right opportunity!

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