Suicide….

what a peculiar way to solve frustration and guilt. Now I know most of you believe suicide is a way to stop the “pain” of life, but I believe it is a way to stop frustration. The reason I bring this up is that at work last night two inmates attempted suicide. Now I am no expert, but isn’t that the most cowardly of acts? Now I am not making judgement, we all deal with our frustration and guilt in different ways, but I can’t seem to wrap my mind around individuals who dwell on their own suffering. Don’t we all suffer to some degree, I mean EVERYONE. We all have a story, filled with greatness and sorrow at times. But seriously, who was the first person to conceive of the notion of taking your life to stop frustration? I consider myself fortunate, I suppose, for not allowing my heart to overtake my mind….or is it the other way around?
I listened to one inmate say he just wanted to move out of his cold cell, so he chose to try and hang himself with a sock (I must say he was not really trying to harm himself, just needed some attention), but the other was doing a fine job of cutting his wrists with a broken up plastic cup. When I spoke with him he said that he was a “scratcher” (meaning a cutter I’m sure) and that he just needed to release the pain. I get that, isn’t that weird, that inflicting pain and allowing it to “leave” your body can make sense to me even frightens me :). But then he went on to say that he had nothing to “live for” since his father died. How sad that a person doesn’t value their own self worth and gives that away to others. Even after telling me he’s better off dead, he tried to convince me that he wasn’t suicidal….a suicidal subject in denial is not easy to deal with. I explained that his statements, along with his actions, are self destructive, which can be viewed as suicidal. He wanted to argue, but if you know me at all, it wasn’t much of an argument. He wanted to continue to tell me that he “couldn’t believe I was thinking he wanted to committ suicide.” WOW!!! I ever so gently explained that I didn’t know what he was thinking, but I have a duty to protect, even if it’s him against himself. It was surreal. He was empty and frustrated. He was non-responsive emotionally, even to himself. He was lost. I hate my job sometimes, it’s draining and uncaring at moments, but on the other hand it has helped shape my view of the world. It has helped me remain positive, as unrealisitic as that may sound. It makes me appreciate the “white lights” floating around in the universe. It truly makes me embrace life with a HUGE hug every morning and a goodnight kiss as I fall into slumber. Life is what you make it right? Even through frustration, guilt, pain and sorrow.

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