Monthly Archives: August 2008

Tomorrow’s the day…

at 0900 my figure will change and my health should improve.  If I don’t make it, know that I will miss all of you sooooo much and I’ll be a little angry….I have to much to finish and do:)


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So I’m feeling a little disappointed…

and a lot scared.  Went to the doctor today.  Not an ordinary family doctor…nope a Plastic Surgeon to be exact.  You see, when I was young and foolish. . ok 21, but that can be considered foolish, I have a “boob job.”  Well 12 years later I am having HORRIBLE pain in my left breast, so I went to see my original PS.  He was always kind and honest….and he was no less today.  Turns out I have capsuler contraction.  Not sure I spelled that right, but what it means is that they need to come out, the implants that is.  So I researched like a mad woman today because my surgery is on Friday.  It’s a major surgery, with operating time lasting 2 hours.  It’s called explant surgery.  Wow, it’s so fast it’s dizzying.  Now mind you both me and the kids started school Monday and I’ll be missing classes, but I suppose it’s for a good reason.  Of course they offer to replace the implant, for more money, but WHY??  Why do this to myself again?  So I might turn out a saggy maggy, but what can ya do?  I’m so twisted with concern, ego, and economics right now I could throw up.  So why disappointed.  Well I shared all this info with Rizzi after my appointment and let her know I was on the brink of a panic attack, which had to be pushed aside as I have a Tuesday night class, and she came home later than usual.  And the reason?  She stayed late to hang out with a fellow employee.  Now I understand I don’t command nations and my illness does not stop the world, but damn, it would have been nice to have her home with me and put kids to bed and then hang out on the porch and talk about it….still could do all that but I’d rather throw a trantrum and pout. . I know, it doesn’t work and it won’t make me feel any better, but I think I’m going to stay mad for at least a half hour…that’ll show her!!

Well I’m off to push out my lip, maybe kick and scream on the floor and cry big alligator tears 😦

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Filed under Frustration, Relationships, Worry

So fucking tired of seeing…

my kids be disappointed.  So K promised to take my son on her first ride of the frontrunner…..and what does she do?  She goes without him.  Seriously, why do they insist on promising my kids shit?  So here is my son, arguing with an adult about promises.  I seriously won’t even shut him down, it’s good for them to hear how they are hurting the kids.  Though I know she believes I set them up to argue with her, I talked with Wyatt and told him he could express his feelings to her on the phone, but I didn’t want him arguing with her….so here he is saying, “it’s not going to be your first time and I PROMISED I’d be there with you.”  And, “you didn’t keep a family promise, you kept a friend promise.”  Now mind you, the day that I picked up my kids early from her because my daughter was having a breakdown, she said come and get them right?  Well that is the day that they were to be going on the FrontRunner, well Wyatt said he would stay with Kit if she was going to be going on the FR, she tells him, “I’m not sure.”  Just tell him that your going….fuck really?  Now it’s made to look as though I took him from her and she had plans to go on the FR.  Know what, FUCK IT, I’m done appeasing people.  I’m done playing highschool games with a woman that is older than me.  I’m  so stupid…I’ve played soooo nice that now I”m being accused of being “mean” and I’m to “forthright” in my emails.  Buck up….fuck you both act as though your 6.  Or younger.  So angry right now.  Now she’s offering him to come to her house tonight, even though she KNOWS they can’t, THEY HAVE SCHOOL!!!!


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Filed under Family Time, Frustration, My kids, My thoughts, Relationships

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Filed under Frustration, My kids, My thoughts, Relationships

On Aug. 20th…

7 years ago you were born at 9:45am.  What a crazy day.  On Aug 19th I was sitting on the porch with Diane.  The pressure was so much different than Wyatt.  It was more like not being able to breath, but no pain was associated with it.  I’d be in the middle of a sentence and I’d have to stop talking, and then I’d pick up where I left off.  Diane kept insisting to call Andy, he was in Richfield for “one last hooray with the boys.”  Diane was so mad at him for leaving, knowing my history of having early babies.  Her due date was Aug. 25.  At 10:00 am Diane was handing me phone after phone insisting that I call.  I thought it would serve him right to miss out, but knew that wasn’t the truth of how I felt.  With Wyatt we were in the hospital daily and I never experienced true labor pains….I was always to doped out of my mind to know what a contraction felt like.

I remember stories of my mom and grandma sitting around playing rummy when she was expecting me.  They played for hours until the right moment.  So with history in mind I asked Diane if she’d like to play rummy with me.  We sat on the porch on that scorching summer day, sipping lemonade and playing rummie.  Diane made us dinner.  Wyatt must have known mommy need a rest, because that cute 13 month old boy was quite and content, not needing so much.  While Diane cooked dinner I started to feel the intensity of my contractions.  Instead of taking my breath away, they had me stopping all activity and just pausing in any situation.  By 6:00 pm I was certain that I would be in the hospital within a 24 hour period.  Diane begged me to call Andy.  I called him.  His questions were insane. “Are you sure it’s time.”  How the hell did I know?  Instead, I just told him not to drink so if he had to drive home he could.  I hung up and had to face Diane’s flabbergasted face.  I just shrugged.  I pulled Wyatt on my slim lap.  I rocked with him, sang to him and began telling him stories of his little sister to come.  Through the pain I stood up and carried my little man to his crib.  I stopped a couple times to regroup, but made it to his room and slipped him into his crib.  I made my way to the front room, with Diane’s help of course, and sat on the couch and talked with Diane about everything and nothing.  She would rub my back, my feet and gave the best impromptu mother’s massage a girl could ask for.

At 9:00 pm I was certain she was coming.  I called Andy and told him he needed to come home.  He sounded….I don’t know actually.  I was certain he was going to miss it and I was mad at myself for not being more firm in telling to come home earlier.  So now, instead of worrying about myself I was worried about him making it.  I remained on my couch and tried to push aside anxiety and just enjoy the calm before the storm.  I knew it would be at least two hours before he got home.  Diane called her husband at the time, to come to the house, as she was going to stay the night with Wyatt while I was at the hospital.  I started thinking about my experience with Wyatt and had to tell myself to calm down, that it was different this time.  I promised myself that I wouldn’t have to see Cheyenne in the same state as Wyatt.  I was unable to hold Wyatt, as he was born dead, so he was whisked away quickly and my only glimpse of my son was a pure purple body that flopped with each movement of the nurse.  I quickly pushed that image out of my head and tried to focus on a healthy pink little girl leaving my body.  I was so mad at him then, so mad that I couldn’t tell him I was scared.  Instead I put on my “Marcy can do anything and not be afraid” face and started another round of rummy with Diane.

It was 11:30 pm.  Diane was more restless than I was.  Though the contractions were stronger and more frequent, I wasn’t a screaming ball of pain so I figured I had called him to soon.  I became anxious that he would be upset that I called to soon.  I told Diane this fear and she shot fire out of her eyes….I swear.  He came in the small apartment and said he just had to throw some things together for me.  Foolish man, Diane was way ahead of him.  He grabbed my bag and helped me off the couch.  To this day, looking back, I wanted Diane with me so badly.  Andy thanked her for staying with me and watching Wyatt.  I hugged her like I wouldn’t again…foolish I know, but I was so torn with my feelings at that moment.  It should be noted that Diane conceived Jaylynn on this night….at my house…..naughty girl!!

He helped me up the million damn stairs of that complex.  We got into the car.  I was contemplating if I should call my sister and mom, but decided to wait until we got to the hospital to ensure that I was going to be staying.  We arrived at ORMC at about midnight.  I waddled my way out of the elevator and headed to the desk.  To my dismay I can’t remember the nurses name, but we had such a connection.  It was like instant friendship.  She was so tender and sweet.  She jumped from her spot and said, “looks like someone is leaving with an extra special package today.”  I couldn’t help but smile through the pain and hug this wonderful woman.  She helped me set up a room and gave me those lovely dresses you don while in the hospital.  She had me lie on the bed so she could check to see my progress.  To our surprise I was dilated to a 6.  Not long now she promised.  She asked that I keep mobile so she gave me a special pair of socks and Andy and I began our rounds of the women’s center.  We passed the sleep research department, which I felt at the moment would be nice.  At 2:00am my incredible midwife showed up.  His name is Dale and he was the best.  The most gentlest of men.  He checked me.  He said he could break my water and we’d be on our way, but he said he wanted to go deliver a baby “really quick” and spend more time with me.  He explained that he’d have to rush me but that’s not what he wanted to do.. .so he left and I lied in bed.  I called my sister and mom.  At 4:00am they arrived.  I love having my sister with me, she is my calm.  She was the only person in my life at the time that could center and balance me.  Time ticked by slowly.  The needle doctor (epidural) showed up and he was THE best.  I had made the choice that Cheyenne would be my last baby so I asked if I could watch him give me my epidural.  He was shocked but fascinated that I wanted to watch.  They wheeled in a mirror and I watched, in a weird separated sorta way, the needle and the flimsy little tube push into my spine.  Weird, but oh so worth it.

It was 9:00 am when Dale returned.  He broke my water and just sat in my room and talked with us.  My last delivery was horrible to my body so Dale brought a special oil and began massaging the most private of areas so that I wouldn’t tear again.  I was amazed when I felt the need to push….a need that I can never express in words. I told Dale and, without missing a beat in the conversation, told me to push….so calm.  I pushed a long hard push, but no pain was felt, just pressure, so different than with Wyatt.  I stopped pushing and felt exhilerated.  No exhaustion all of a sudden.  It came again, that pressure and urge.  I just pushed and Dale was right there to assist.  We were the best team.  I have big love for him, thank god I get to see him yearly 🙂  

0945 hours in the morning and she left my body.  The umbilical cord cut and this big pink girl, all white and cheesy, was placed on my chest.  The tears fell from my eyes in delight.  I had NEVER seen someone so beautiful as her at that moment.  I felt that I would implode with the love that I felt for her.  She didn’t cry, she just looked around.  She found me and I smiled and cried and hugged her to my swollen breasts.  I kissed her head and told her, so quietly, welcome little one…I love you forever.  They scooped her gently, not in a manic rush to save her life, from my arms.  She still didn’t cry.  I asked Dale if she was ok.  Dale stopped what he was doing and held my hands and said, “she’s so perfect she’s content.”  That description is still true today.  She is my quite, tough, sweet independent girl.  

Happy Birthday Cheyenne….I love you forever!!!!

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Filed under Family Time, My kids, My past, My thoughts, Relationships

I so miss them….

when they are gone.  Sitting on my couch, reading like there are no more books to be printed, when the phone rings.  On rare occasions that I have by myself I usually send it to voice mail.  I looked at the number that has interrupted vampire kisses and werewolves lust…801-644….that’s all I needed to see.  I quickly answer and I hear my girls helium voice squeel in delight.  My face is consumed with the biggest smile.  “Hi sweet girl!!”  “Hi momma…did you get your message?”  “No speck-a-lec I didn’t”  Had I missed a call from them….stupid phone!!  We chatted about her day riding horses.  “I wode Ace, I wode Ace, I wode Gingew, I wode Gingew, went to the stowe, and came home to take a showew.”  Now it must be noted that my daughter is not in the habit of repeating herself, but it is to let me know that she rode both her horses twice today.  She then asked if it would be ok to get her ears pierced on Tuesday for her birthday (it’s acutally on Wed but who’s keeping track.)  K will take her to get her ears pierced…she issss so excited.  This will be the second time, she’s allergic to everything.  After I’ll sleep tights, don’t let the beddy bug bites and have sweet dreams, my little man is next, and his excitement is contagious!!  “HI MOM!!!”  “Hi pumpkin, how are you?!?  He goes on to tell me about all the drunk/high people at the Davis County Fair, and remembered fondly last year when he threw up in front of STRANGERS (oh the embarrassment that 7 year old felt).  We laughed a ton and then boy, who is fast becoming a years beyond his age, asks me about my day.  I tell him that I went and had breakfast with Aunt Jenny and came home and started reading.  If we have anything that is identical, it is our Passion for reading.  His description of reading follows:

“Mom when you read does your mind spark…you know, like a time machine that takes you somewhere else?”

“Heck yeah it does, it’s awesome huh!”

“Heck yeah!!!  In my chapter books, the dinosaurs come alive and I see them in all their colors.”

“Did you know Wyatt that imagination is a sign of intelligence?”

“It is?  Hey K, when you read do you see the book?”

kit: “Sometimes/”

“Mom, K isn’t highly intelligent like me and you.”

God I love him, he is truly gifted in so many ways.  Not bad for a kid born early, dead and little.  He’s my miracle baby, he is my soulmate!!  Being connected to them is life giving, eternal and everything….but so much damn fun!!!!

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That’s what I am.  Do you ever have weeks that never end?  Weird thing is….I’m so waiting for school to start back up, I guess to add more onto these weary shoulders.  I’ve been looking at schools in California, Oregon and Arizona….that damn LSAT better go my way or I’ll be….fine:)  Really, there are times I spook myself into believing life will be horrible if I don’t pass….but then remember that I have a good job, a kickin family and a great place to live.  If only I could remember that ALL the time.

Fighting with Rizzi’s ex is still ongoing.  Been calling my attorney daily with no phone calls back…can you say aggravated?  Seriously, when I have more time I will post our last email exchange with J…it’s becoming funny.

On to better things….Wyatt and Cheyenne just left yesterday to go stay with K….it’s been 2 weeks that I had them all to myself and it was difficult to drive away from my teared streaked little girl.  My son was so chatty with K I don’t think he saw me leave.  Emotionally I want to snatch them back up, put them in the car and not share.  Logically I know it’s the healthiest thing for them.  Sharing is caring (that’s what my sister tells me.)  Whenever I feel the emotions creep up I just remember people like Rizzi, KLJ and all the others that don’t get to spend time with their kids because of selfishness and petty bullshit and it fills my heart with sunshine…..well ok, not sunshine, but I leave knowing I’m a better person.  I am fulfilling my kids life with all that love them and Marcy just has to step aside on occasion and know it’s not all about her and her feelings…..sigh.  So, even though the pang of loneliness from them lingers, I am happy that my kids have full lives and are surrounded and allowed to be with the ones they love.

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Filed under Family Time, My thoughts, Relationships, School