Monthly Archives: October 2008

So Thursday was an incredible!!!

Rizzi and I woke up together and had no kids, as mine were with the other.  We sat on the couch, waking up slowly, watching TV.  In the afternoon we went to vote and she took me to one of my favorite antique stores.  We spent so much time together, talking and just having a wonderful day!  We picked up all the kids from school and headed off to the Corn maze in Syracuse.  We spent two hours getting lost in corn.  Rizzi was holding my hand, the weather was perfect and our kids didn’t even argue 🙂  Later that evening was parent teacher conferences and my kids did wonderful!  Wyatt had straight A’s and the teacher let me know that he is “Wildcat of the Month” and will be honored with an assembly.  Cheyenne is doing really good and picking up reading at an accelerated rate, but doesn’t like Math so much (I mean who does really?)  

After dropping off M and kids were off to sleep Rizzi and I were lying in bed.  I had a book in my hand, getting ready to read after a long day.  Rizzi asked me if I really wanted to read.  I lifted my hands out of the bed and turned to her and asked, “Why, do you have something else in mind.”  She quickly said, “Yeah, I was thinking you could cut that wristband off.”  She was referring to my band given at the cornmaze earlier in the day.  I laughed so hard . . so not what I was thinking.  I kept talking and Rizzi said, “no really, can you go cut it off.”  I humored her and got out of bed to get the scissors.  As I came back in the room, on my pillow sat the most beautiful box you could image.  In it is the most beautiful ring I have ever been given.  She asked me I would spend the rest of my life with her.  OMG, YES!!!  We laughed, cried, cuddled and melted into each other all night.  It was the best night of my life with her. . like all nights that I’m graced to have with her!



Filed under My thoughts, Relationships

So excited. . and frustrated. . and relieved. . and….

Yeah, I have a lot of catching up to do, but I’ll try and keep it simple.  First off, I’m so excited that I completed the basic course in negotiations.  It was by far the best training I have been involved in.  Frustrated, well Admin made a decision about my time I’m using for school.  Admin will not let me continue coming in work early to make up for time that I’m in school, but said I could work extra shifts and hold it as comp.  Now I don’t want to sound thankless, but when do I have time to work extra?  Truly, I am a single mom, as dad is in Afghanistan, I work full time and I would have NEVER signed up for the courses in the day if my Lt. did approve it.  So I will withdraw from courses today and move forward.  I am really excited to start a new shift with a new boss. . . YAY!!!

Friday night I was lying down to sleep and felt that twinge in my throat. . yeah, I’m so on my way to having a cold.  I feel ya Mrs. JF!!!  

Off to go walk the dog, make a incredibly yummy dinner later and play with kids. . the extra time off will be weird but fun!!!


Filed under Family Time, My thoughts, Thinking of Friends

Do you ever have days. .

that make you really wonder what the fuck is wrong with people?  Yeah, that’ my day today.  Not so much what is wrong with people I suppose, but more of. . who the fuck are you?  You believe you know someone and then, out of left field, the totally change the rules of friendship and coresponse?  Well, I’m done.  I’m so done being a “good” friend, which really means, “hey let me tell all about my shit. . be there when I need ya” but then they move on to bigger and better things.  You know, like you being there to help them during a transition, yet when your stuck in a fucking hospital and you could really use some help you realize. . I’m so totally fucking alone (well except those that really count, Rizzi and Jenny).  So yeah, I’m sooo cleaning out my closet of life force energy zappers.  I’ve found myself once again kicking myself in the ass for over extending to others.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t “play nice” or help others with conditions. . but frankly, I’m exhausted and I’m done just being there for others.  I can’t do it anymore!!!

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Filed under Frustration, My thoughts, Relationships

To my dismay. . .

he didn’t make it!

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Filed under Thinking of Friends

A shift in perspective. .

So I arrive to work with a memo saying they (the admin) are auditing my time cards.  Now some background.  Prior to me enrolling in Fall Semester I met with my boss and asked her if I could come in early to work so I could comp out some of my school time instead of using vacation.  My boss was good with the arrangement so I signed up for my courses.  Started my classes on Aug 27 (should be noted that  I did the same thing through summer semester as well).  Well today her boss, we’ll call him admin, wanted to know why she was allowing me to “manipulate” the schedule.  Well. . . we do it for everyone else is what I wanted her to say, but instead she said she didn’t see a problem with it.  Admin reiterated that he didn’t think it appropriate to make those accommodations.  Fine with me, but just tell me what it is you want and let me move on.  I mean, I did this whole process proper, yet I’m the one sitting in an office.  Does that mean when I clear something with my boss I need Admin’s ok too? (ummmm chain of command anyone?)  Quite to my surprise I wasn’t pissed, I wasn’t bitter I just wanted a resolution.  Frustration did creep in and tears fell from my big brown eyes due to it, but I wasn’t angry like I have been in the past.  The meeting ended with Admin saying he’s have a recommendation by next week.  He did say that during the audit he wasn’t concerned about me “taking time” from the county, but he was concerned that my boss was allowing me to manipulate.  Whatever.  

So the shift in perspective you might ask?  As I pulled up in my driveway, battered and beaten down by my day, I saw a cop car parked across the street.  Within moments here come a Paramedic and a fire engine to my neighbors house.  Now this neighbor isn’t your typical neighbor, this is Scott and Scott is, well . . peculiar.  He has cameras all around his house, he hates the government and loves the hell out of his dog.  When I first moved in I was somewhat leary of Scott, as he seemed anti-social.  He also hated dogs (he hadn’t gotten Suki yet).  

We moved into our house in 01-2007.  We didn’t see him much, but the cameras facing our house bothered us.  In early spring, I was in the front yard doing yard work.  My sisters husband stopped by to help me out and while parked on my curb he got a flat.  Now I’m not the typical tough and rumble kinda lesbian, so I was at a loss of what we should do.  Scott, to my amazement, came over to help us with an air compressor.  It’s the first time we spoke to one another.  He was pleasant and very mellow.  He was kind.  A few weeks passed and he stopped by the house to give me some fresh cut roses from his garden.  Being the shitty neighbor I am, the vase still sits in my house filled with good intentions of returning it with Lillies (my favorite).  Scott and I formed an unusual relationship, always filled with compassion when we would see each other.  One time, at the smoke shop, we ran into each other.  Scott had a Vietnam Veteran’s hat on.  Without saying a word I hugged him.  At first he was aloof, but soon enough he put his arms around me.  He said, “why’d you do that?”  I told him, though I was young or perhaps not even born when he served in Vietnam I wanted him to know that I appreciated all that he must have went through to make sure I slept safe at night.  He looked and me and said, “your wise beyond your years young one.”  I saw Scott a few more times throughout this summer, tinkering around in his yard.  He never had many visitors and he lives alone. 

So back to tonight, I see all the chaos going on and know that Scott would want someone to take care of Suki.  She truly is his partner in life.  I head across the street, still in uniform, and enter his home.  The Paramedics had just made it in before me.  I explain that I am a neighbor and wanted to know if they had contacted anyone to take care of his dog.  Scott is in his chair, and he still has color and he is saying that he is going to pass out.  I ask the Paramedic if they know what is going on and he tells me that they think his liver is failing.  I see the cop across the room and I wind my way through his house to speak with Mr. OPD.  As I pass his bathroom I notice that blood is everywhere.  Scott is not doing well and I know it.  I come up behind Mr. OPD, tell him I’m behind him so I don’t get shot, and explain I’m a neighbor and ask if he needs help finding family.  He affirms that he does, so I find his cell phone.  Just then, Suki, the quiet little Dobi, let’s out a howl (not typical behavior at all!) and I look up in time to see Scott slowly slip into death’s doorway.  He is the color of ash, not breathing and the Paramedic announces that he can’t find a pulse.  Now I’ve seen people die before, but I don’t know them on a personal level, and this one was freaking out my mind.  I kept my wits about me and was determined to find Scott’s family.  I began looking at pictures on his mantle, trying to block out that Scott is getting tubes shoved down his throat, that his stomach is 5 times larger than normal, and a man is straddled across his chest giving compressions.  I find a picture of a little girl from sometime in the Seventies.  The name Nicole M. is on the back.  Instantly I know this is his daughter.  I pick up his phone and Nicole is the first listing of the seven programmed in his phone.  I tell the cop that I have found his next of kin.  She has to be about my age.  The paramedic on the gurny announces that they have to leave NOW or he’ll die on the way.  They begin picking up all their bags full of nothing that is going to save Scott and shuffle out the door.  I’m left standing there not knowing what has become of Scott.  The cop is on the phone with a distraught daughter and I’m standing there with his house keys in my hands.  I wanted to take Suki with me, I KNOW she is missing him already, but instead the cop asks me to leave her outside and his daughter will be by later to get her.  Well how later is what I wanted to ask, but all I could eek out with some dignity was, “ok.”  I left the house, walked across the street and couldn’t help but think this is one FUCKED up day.

I entered my warm house to be greeted by 3 smiley kids and one sexy girlfriend who kissed me right as I walked through the door.  I looked at all of them and wanted to bawl, but my kids were asking questions about the neighbor.  Wyatt asked if he was ok.  I told him he wasn’t doing well that his liver was failing.  Wyatt asked if he could die from it and I told him the truth . . that he might indeed die.  Wyatt, in full innocence, says, “but he’s such a nice guy mommy.”  I kept it together and told him, your right sweetie he is.

As I tucked my kids into bed I couldn’t help be realize how damn lucky I really am.  I have a job, I have health, I have a kickin family, I have friends. . truly I have it all.  And so what if I have to withdraw from my courses, does it really change life?  Does it really take me from what I love?

So an hour after all the chaos I sit and type, because I’m afraid if I don’t I’ll explode, push aside emotions that will creep up later and just not be so well adjusted.  I don’t know if neighbor is dead or alive, but I want him to know I love him!  With tears in my eyes I wish I would have said more to him.  I wish I would have returned that vase with lillies.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  I lit a white light for him and hope he finds peace, in whatever way he needs it, but I also hope he knows he wasn’t alone and that someone that cares for him alot was in that room with him.

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Filed under My thoughts, Thinking of Friends, Worry

No clear winner. .

in my humble opinion.  When did talking around an issue constitute an answer?  Don’t get me wrong, if McCain called me friend one more time I was going to go beserk!  I thought Obama was doing well to begin with, and he TOTALLY won in the comfort department.  Could McCain not sit down, or was it just me that noticed?  He was the first to pull a cheap shot, but Obama totally bit.  Come on, we don’t care how you differ, we know that you do, that’s why it’s called a choice.  I wish Obama would have stuck to his guns, answered the questions and moved on. . be the bigger politician and not buy into throwing mud.  We, as citizens, are sick of the bickering!!

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Filed under Frustration, My thoughts

Got religion?


That is the question that many seek.  Now I didn’t just come up with this on my own, I was reading a post a friend wrote and it got me thinking…for most of the day. . of why people feel this drive to be connected to something/someone to attach themselves to.  I think that it’s because it’s what we are taught.  My kids first thoughts and inclinations weren’t centered around “why are we here?”  “what is my purpose” and “it is my duty to dedicate myself to God.”  Now some may say this is blasphemy, but seriously, why do we torture ourselves with investing in something more?  Religion to me is waking up and hearing rain, waking up and feeling her, seeing my kids laugh so hard that they pee their pants.  It’s conversations, with depth and emotion, with friends and family.  Sticking me in a building and talking about a book that was written by men thousands of years ago (and has been transcribed numerous times with an agenda I’m sure) is not religion.  Weird thing is, I don’t feel guilt for not “teaching” my kids the bible, but that has to be because I know I teach them in other ways what good and bad is.  Now I believe good and bad are feelings you can have when your young, and truly, religion does not need to be involved for human beings to understand what the “right” thing is to do.  

So in all of this, I guess I’m trying to say, that my religion is the earth, me and my friends and family in it and I’ll continue to worship whenever and however I feel like it.  Isn’t that what life is about?  Isn’t that what Christianity is all about?  Though I don’t consider myself christian, I know that I am good person with or without “organized” religion.

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