Monthly Archives: July 2009

Are you fucking kidding me????

Why. . why is disease wasted on the best the world has to offer?  Why. . do again find myself reliving the day I was diagnosed??  Seriously, I’m not sure I can watch her waste away to nothing!  Stage IV cancer comes with a vengeance and unfortunately my friend is at the “prime age” of mortality.  I know well enough I will remain the white light of happiness I am known for, but damn, I can’t help but sit with tear blurred eyes and feel anger.  You see, my friend has dedicated her life to helping others, most of whom could care less to help themselves.  Despite all of this she remains one of THE happiest people I know.  When she rides up to work on her old school cruise bike, with a basket I might add, she radiates positive energy like no other.  Through her life’s work with the Mentally Ill, she has found balance in her life like no other.  She puts up with my Shenanigans and through our time at work have become good friends.  Puts into perspective, AGAIN, how quickly a friendship can be made and taken away.

Her first treatment of Chemo was today. . two hours long. . and if you know anything about Chemo, that is going to make her sicker than I can even imagine.  Even in my days of Chemo, nothing was this horrible for me.  And though all I want to do is hug her, not let her go and tell her it will be OK, I’m not sure I’d be telling the truth.  Despite my misgivings of prognosis and theories, my gut is telling me to prepare for the worst. . Not sure how to handle that, as I tend to see the positive in ALL situations.

When I spoke with her, she was sure that she wouldn’t be here long, but had to try for everyone else’s sake.  When she told me that she loves me, I cried. . and that incredible woman said, “Marcy, it’ll be OK.”  Always the one to make it better for the Universe.

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Is it me. .

or is it hard for some to sing the national Anthem?  With liberty and Justice for all right?  Well. . . I’ll leave it alone, it would be a long rant!

The Holiday weekend was incredible!  I saw more white trash than one could ask for, but damn the firworks were amazing!  Spent time with friends I don’t see enough and my kids had an incredible time.  But with all the activities to busy my mind, I kept coming back to the fact that the kids father, otherwise known as “the other” is on his way home from Afghanistan and should be arriving today.  Though I am excited for my kids, they have missed him immensely these last 15 months, I am not looking forward to sharing the kids.  I know, I know, this statement is completely selfish and has nothing to do with my kids.  For the most part I am able to push aside my personal feelings and look at the logical points that it is in my kids best interest to have time with their dad, but damn, it’s been nice doing what I want with them.  And to be quite frank, I love that I have been a HUGE influence in their life.  

The more I type the more I recognize that he hasn’t really done anything for me to be leery, but truly, he’s got some anger management issues and I worry how that will impact my kids.  But I know, better than most, that is a lesson they will have to learn on their own and I will not interfere with the learning curve.  Mothers are here to protect right? So it is the most difficult lesson to let my children feel pain and let down and not interfere. . . sheesh!!  

I’ll keep you updated on how it goes.  I meet with “the other” on Friday to discuss schedules.  *Deep breath in. . . Deep breath out*

Other than worry, all I have to say is . . . have a fucking fantastic day. . . and remember, I’m a RockStar baby!!!

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