that’s what my sister has told me a hundred times. And she’s right, it can go away in seconds. I always find it strange that you can live years. . thousands of days, and like that. .poof. . it’s gone.
My work doesn’t tend to bother me, seeing the negative day in and day out usual has the opposite effect on me. I tend to stay positive when others are bogged down in negativity, but every so often I have a moment when it gets in. . when my barriers slip and I allow myself to feel another persons pain. Though I won’t bore you with details of the event, I can tell you that she took her own life. I’m sure she had more reasons, in her mind, to die than to live, but I still wish she would have picked up the phone. I’m not saying that I could have saved her, but it would have saved me from second guessing. I suppose that is selfish, as I am the one there to help her. And I suppose that is really arrogant, as whos to say that I’m that good at helping, but I hate the game of . . what if?
She was a stranger to me, I knew her only on the paper provided to me. Nothing was exceptional about her. She worked, lived in an average house and owned pets. Overall, a good person. But I know that her last hours were filled with great emotional turmoil and I suppose that’s what bothers me. I think every person should have the right to die peacefully. Hers was filled with anguish and despair. And, in my opinion, she just wanted someone to love her. . truly love her. Not so long ago I could relate. Not that I would have taken my own life, I know I’m too selfish and egotistical for that, but I understand being emotionally deprived and just wanting, EARNING, for someone to love me for me.
This is were my perspective shifts. I’m the luckiest girl in the galaxy. I was leaving the house for the event above Rizzi was googling maps for me (I’m horrible with directions). She was asking me if I had everything and began listing off things I may need. She was worried I wouldn’t have enough snacks or drinks and putting things in my go bag. She’s wonderful. She truly loves me! She loves me for all the good and the bad, and I know on occasion I take that for granted. So to the woman I wished would have answered the phone, thank you for reminding me what is important, thank you for reminding me who I used to be and who I have become.