Life is fragile. .

that’s what my sister has told me a hundred times.  And she’s right, it can go away in seconds.  I always find it strange that you can live years. . thousands of days, and like that.  .poof. . it’s gone.

My work doesn’t tend to bother me, seeing the negative day in and day out usual has the opposite effect on me.  I tend to stay positive when others are bogged down in negativity, but every so often I have a moment when it gets in. . when my barriers slip and I allow myself to feel another persons pain.  Though I won’t bore you with details of the event, I can tell you that she took her own life.  I’m sure she had more reasons, in her mind, to die than to live, but I still wish she would have picked up the phone.  I’m not saying that I could have saved her, but it would have saved me from second guessing.  I suppose that is selfish, as I am the one there to help her.  And I suppose that is really arrogant, as whos to say that I’m that good at helping, but I hate the game of . . what if?

She was a stranger to me, I knew her only on the paper provided to me.  Nothing was exceptional about her.  She worked, lived in an average house and owned pets.  Overall, a good person.  But I know that her last hours were filled with great emotional turmoil and I suppose that’s what bothers me.  I think every person should have the right to die peacefully.  Hers was filled with anguish and despair.  And, in my opinion, she just wanted someone to love her. . truly love her.  Not so long ago I could relate.  Not that I would have taken my own life, I know I’m too selfish and egotistical for that, but I understand being emotionally deprived and just wanting, EARNING, for someone to love me for me.

This is were my perspective shifts.  I’m  the luckiest girl in the galaxy.  I was leaving the house for the event above Rizzi was googling maps for me (I’m horrible with directions).  She was asking me if I had everything and began listing off things I may need.  She was worried I wouldn’t have enough snacks or drinks and putting things in my go bag.  She’s wonderful.  She truly loves me!  She loves me for all the good and the bad, and I know on occasion I take that for granted.  So to the woman I wished would have answered the phone, thank you for reminding me what is important, thank you for reminding me who I used to be and who I have become.

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under My thoughts, Relationships

2 responses to “Life is fragile. .

  1. kwolf

    Thanks for this perspective. That you needed to know that you couldn’t have talked that person out of it — interesting, yes, that is the cause of the guilt that plagues everyone left behind. That you could accept that maybe when you were done trying that it would still be more worth it to that person to do what they did is even better to hear.

    I spend too much time sometimes being angry that hurting other people keeps me from ending my own pain. I may well continue to choose to stick around, but the arrogance of everyone else around me who assumes that if I would just listen to them, keep working at it, take the right drugs, do the right therapy, get the right help, that it would still be worth it to live–they don’t know that. The assumption is unwarranted. They have not had to live my life of continuous pain and abuse–how can they lay out the wonders of life on one side and the horrors on the other and see how far down the balance goes on the side of pain? I look at that scale with a mix of despair and hope, hoping that at some point it will be overbalanced in the other direction, or maybe just come even. But for everyone to assume that life is worth it for everyone–for a moment, come walk in my shoes, and if you can stand it, maybe I’ll listen. Those who have done so do not presume so much.

    And neither have you, my friend–your thoughts were so much more open to the perspective of the one who chose to be dead than I have ever heard from someone who hasn’t been suicidal. I hope you don’t mind my taking this as a place to express the thoughts that came to mind when I read your post, it is helpful to be able to just say those things and perhaps it shows the side of what happened that you find yourself wondering about? Thank you for the space to say this.

  2. luckygirl75

    Kathlean,

    I love that you had alot to say to my post. The whole point of my blog is to share how I feel and hopefully it inspires others to share their opinion. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and sharing your thoughts.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s