Monthly Archives: June 2011

Pancakes

Yep, those golden circles of goodness.  Though most people have had the opportunity to have pancakes in their lives, I was lucky enough for it to be a huge event in my life.  My dad, in typical Sunday fashion, would have my sister in I, in our nightgowns, lifted up to the counter and help make a slew of them every Sunday.

I would typically Bogart the stirring in of the eggs, watching the batter turn a yellow while folding the eggs in.  We ALWAYS used a wooden spoon to do our stirring.  I can remember my dad, with his towel draped across his shoulder, giving us words of encouragement and making the whole ordeal exciting.  I would watch him take his ladle and dip it gently into the batter.  He would pour the batter on to the hot griddle and I can remember the sizzle sound it would make.  It was a science and my dad had perfected it.  I loved sitting cross-legged on that counter watching my dad.  It made me feel special … HE made me feel special.

When my parents, after my sister and I had longed moved out, gutted the kitchen to install a new more modern kitchen I couldn’t help be sad when the old yellow counters were removed.  The majority of my life was spent sitting on or at that counter with years of conversations, laughter, and at times conflict.  Though I knew rationally that many more memories would be made in the new kitchen, emotional Marcy just longed to be a little girl for a few more days of making pancakes with my dad.

For father’s day we headed over to my parents house for … you guessed it… pancakes.  As I came around the corner of the kitchen I was humbled to see my little Cheyenne mixing the flour and getting the batter ready with my dad.  And though she is too big to sit on the counter cross-legged, she was watching my dad like I used to when I was little.  She sat with the spatula in her hands while my dad coaching her on when to flip them.  It brought tears to my eyes.

You see, in all reality, it’s the small things your parents give you that you cherish the most.  It’s not the washer and dryers (though I’m hugely thankful for those gifts and so are my friends) but it’s the times teaching each other while having fun.  It’s the moments, as an adult myself, hearing myself telling stories like my parents.  It’s catching myself, whenever I cook, with a towel draped across my shoulder.  It’s those moments that I stop what I’m doing and think about how much I truly love my parents.  I love them!  More than they will ever know

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When your not here …

The house is lonely

The morning isn’t as bright and warm as it should be

The plans made for the day are cut short at not involving you

My laughter is only half of what it could be

The house is much too quiet

Though I know it’s important to share you both, when your gone I feel selfish, because I just want you back with me

Memories are still being created without you in them

When your not here …

I just want to sit on the couch, do nothing, until your freckled faced smiles come crashing through the front door …

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Searching for Sierra

This is the first few paragraphs of my new short story

The tryke, red as apples and as shiny as glass, sat alone in the garage.  Just days before she had been squealing in delight as she rode down the driveway.  Her hair was caught by the summer time breeze, flowing behind her in brown waves.  The faint red stain of popsicles was still around her mouth and her blue eyes sparkled in the sun, as she would zip around on her bike.

Her outstretched arms signaled she was done with her ride and wanted to snuggle with her mom on the perfect summer time porch.  Reaching for her, her small warm arms wrapped around my neck.  I can still smell her Popsicle breath and her face against my cheek.  “Love you momma,” still fills my mind.  I pick up her tryke, place it in the garage and take her inside for her nap.

I wrap her favorite blanket (a comforter that is speckled with Blues Clues) around her little body and kiss her forehead, as her eyes began to roll into slumber.  I whisper, “I love you Sierra”, and walk out quietly.

I am somewhat relieved that it’s naptime; I had so much housework to get done before Janet got home from work.  I began picking up her toys and placing them in a basket.  Though I am humming while I work, my mind is thinking of bigger problems.  Our relationship is fading, slowly dying after nine years.  I can’t think of what triggered the change, though Janet insists it changed once we had Sierra.  Maybe she’s right, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit it.  Admitting our four year old daughter came between us felt like placing blame on Sierra, who would become an innocent casualty of adult decisions.

We decided Janet would carry our child after finding out I couldn’t have kids.  I know this decision was hard for Janet, as she never saw herself as the “carry a kid” type, but after dozens of infertility doctors and failed attempts at insemination it just made sense for Janet to carry our baby.  I was deeply moved at her gesture but at the same time deeply disappointed that I couldn’t be the one to feel our baby’s movements throughout those nine months.   Janet wasn’t as enthusiastic about being pregnant and just wanted the nine months to pass by quickly.  I think I resented her for being so non-chalant about the whole affair.  All I ever wanted was to have a family growing up.

When I realized I was gay I was convinced that having a “normal” life was out of the question.  I felt as though any hopes of being married and raising a family was out of the question.  Perhaps that’s why I became career obsessive.   I graduated top of my class in High School with a full ride scholarship to our local University.  I immersed myself in studying, ignoring the nagging feeling that something was missing.  Perhaps it was the fact that I refused to acknowledge I was gay and didn’t date, or the fact that I had only dreamed of being a mother and wife to someone and being gay meant I had to find something else … until I met her.

Stay tuned for more 🙂

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Nephi

I worked with an officer we’ll call Nephi (at his request).  Recently we got into a debate concerning the Mormon church and “gays.”  If you’d like to see the whole exchange it can be found at:

http://www.standard.net/topics/opinion/2011/06/02/lds-revelation-has-little-do-social-pressure

During the exchange Nephi says that he is not judgemental, as demonstrated by this quote: “I’m not passing Judgement on anybody. I leave that in the hands of my Creator. And yes Judgement will surely come.”

Of course he resorts to personal attacks:  “live and let live is a great principle that should be applied to all aspects of our lives I think. In closing Marcy it’s been fun, but i do have 2 last questions. If you blog about me could my name be disguised as Nephi and #2 could you please stop bad mouthing former co-workers behind their backs?

Best of luck to you with your future endeavors :)”

My response:

“Ah, I can see we have run out of arguments and have turned to personal attacks.  Considering you have no idea about the circumstances at work I’ll just chalk that up to ignorance as well (as you definitely showed in in your last paragraph.)  Again, you just made judgement on a situation you know nothing about.  But, I will make sure to include your name as Nephi, at your request, and will let you know that I have done nothing behind those indivuduals backs, as I have had those discussions with those people involved (it’s all recorded if you’d like to take the time to educate yourself.)”

So, in the same breath you’re not judgemental, yet you just judged a whole situation you know nothing about?  Hypocritical much??

Now, the back story of Nephi.  While I was doing a shakedown a few years ago, Nephi was assisting me.  An inmate, who happened to be a sex offender, was present.  Nephi, in his great non-judgemental wisdom, picked up a Book of Mormon, threw it towards the inmate and stated that had the inmate spent more time reading it he wouldn’t be in jail.

Hmmmm … but keep pushing your agenda of non-judgement.  Of course disciplinary action was taken and Nephi apologized, and with all honesty, I think he regretted the whole incident.  This latest debate just proves to me that he hasn’t fully seen his judgmental attitude and is blind to his hypocrisy.

I did receive this email from Nephi on Facebook:

Hi Marcy

So my last response on the standard article I went alittle over board with sarcasm and being facetious. I apologize :) We can agree to disagree and still be Friends I hope. I have no ill will towards you. I like you and Rizzi (except for the whole New York Yankee thing…lol.)I wish the best for the both of you!Take Care “
I responded before I had read his comment in the Standard with,
“Please know that I love a good ol’ fashion debate like the rest of them and I do not take it personal. Respect, communication and a willingness to try is the foundations of good realtionships, and I believe we have done both. No reason to apologize for what you believe or say (I’d die defending it, that is what is great about this Country) so please no there is no ill will, I’d still give ya a big ol’ hug if I saw ya :)
Now the Yankees on the otherhand, them are fightin’ words!!! ;)

Warm Regards,
Marcy”

After reading the comment I sent:
“Just got done reading your comment … you failed to mention that you chose to attack me personally. I’d expect nothing less.”
I’m perplexed why he didn’t make his apology on Standard, guess he wouldn’t get as many high fives from his buddies at work if they knew he had regret over his personal attacks.  Again, two-faced and hypocritical.
I suppose I should be thanking Nephi, as he just proved, once again, why I had to leave the Sheriff’s office.  It’s this continual nice to your face but secretly hoping you are “judged” and will pay for sins … but hey we still like you … ??
If Nephi understood the whole story of why I left the Sheriff’s office then I would have been a piss poor supervisor for the simple fact that he is not an administrator.  As a supervisor you can not share with “subordinates” all the issues, and in doing my job people like Nephi have no idea of the complete circumstances.  Instead of trying to understand or getting the whole story Nephi just pops off like I’m talking behind co-workers backs.  Funny thing, all those I have written about I have talked too about my angst to no avail … but I’d expect nothing less of Nephi, as he just demonstrated that he’d rather listen to rumor than know the truth of the situation.
The reason for my blog is to speak about my truths while working at the Sheriff’s office.  Apparently Nephi feels I’m bad mouthing people, when in all actuality I am speaking the truth … Truth now equals bad mouthing.  If that’s the case I will never stop “bad mouthing” the Sheriff’s office.  Now behind their backs, please enlighten me Nephi, how is  PUBLICLY
posting on my blog behind their backs?
So in closing, thank you!  Thank you for demonstrating all that I had been trying to point out in my comments on the Standard, you just made it easy and remember … anytime you lower your standards to personal attacks the other person wins by default.

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