Category Archives: Story Time

Day 8

Alicia Rizzi and Marcy Taylor

We met in jail.  You read that right!  We both worked for Weber County Sheriff’s Office, as correctional officers, when we struck up an intense friendship.  From that friendship the most magnificent relationship was forged.  For the last 9 years we have had the privilege of not only being partners, but being best friends as well.

When thinking of how to put on paper our story, it felt impossible.  How do you show the middle of the night comforting sessions for our children when they get sick or have bad dreams?  How do you render, with proper timbre, the family singing songs in the car while traveling across so many states for family vacations?  How do you articulate the pain of homophobic slurs being hurled at a family of five minding their own business in a bookstore?

Instead of using my words to explain our relationship, I reached out to family and friends to explain who we are.  This is what they had to say:

“Two people who love, balance, honor and respect one another just as they are. Never trying to change the other, just completely supportive and unbreakable!!!”

“You are two of the most supportive, strong hearted, encouraging, nurturing women I’ve had the fortune to meet, making a life together against the odds. The beauty lives in the way you approach life together and it overflows to those lucky to know you.”

“Two souls entwined, balancing and complimenting each other. Two people who love, honor, respect, support and challenge each other and in doing so, touch all who know them. They make me smile and get a warm glow in my heart.”

It was on a December evening, as I sat with friends at a local pub, that Rizzi asked me to marry her.  I was unaware of the changes made by the Federal courts, invalidating Amendment 3.  It took no thought.  Of course I would marry the person I had already committed myself to.

On Christmas Eve our family (kids, parents, sister and her family) arrived at the home of Amy Wicks, a city council member for Ogden City.  It was a bitter sweet day.  The rush to marry, before a stay was put in place, had me angry.  This is not how I imagined we would marry one another.  I wanted a party.  I wanted a Halloween wedding, with costumes, black cakes and an open bar.  I wanted written wedding vows that would make my parents cry.  I wanted to be treated normal.  I wanted to be something more than a rush job.  But as we faced each other, staring into the eyes of the woman I have loved for nine years, the wants disappeared and the realization that we would be protected legally set in.  I cried.  She cried.  And as we kissed and our tears intermingled, I realized our family was protected.  As I hugged our kids a new notion of taking care of them was born.  Our kids would no longer be relegated to status of “other”, as they could proudly proclaim their moms as married.

But the euphoria would only last 17 days.  The insurance card in her wallet, that claims she is single, will remain a lie until the court process is completed.  Our children hang in legal limbo.  But what is sustained are the very things my friends and family wrote about our relationship.  We still love with a fierceness that can never be defined by paper.  We still respect, love, cherish and enjoy our day to day family life.  That euphoria will remain much longer than 17 days.  It will take an eternity for us to be apart.

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Freeway Philosophy: 2974

Freeway Philosophy; 2974

The blanket of gridlocked cars belched out CO2 and congested my brain.  The sullied fumes of gas and oil battered my nose.  My cuff dragged across my sweaty brow.  My watch hammered away at hope and no one cared.

“Welcome to a beautiful morning in New York City!  WNYC weather forecast for the day is sunny and beautiful …”

The dead woman, sitting in her sleek, shiny, morally correct BMW, twirled her long blonde tresses in her nimble fingers.  The sway of her little neck confirmed that she listened to something agreeable.  She kept rhythm with her palm on the steering wheel.  Eyes, perfectly centered on her face, were murky with self-absorption.  Hot vomit threatened to land in my lap if I continued to stare at her.

I spot the man, piss stained and shoeless, flat on his back in the tiled doorway of the boarded up business. Wild Turkey and Mad Dog 2020, landlords of misery, ensure he pays his nightly rent.  I’m no voyeur; I can’t watch him get fucked.

Sun drenched windshields winked at me, taunted me, and made unwanted passes at me.  No movie, no wine.  Forced to linger in the harassment of traffic.

I close my eyes and breath deeply and tap my fingers on the doorframe.  I could feel impatience, like ivy, creeping over my nerves, slow and strangling.

Flipped the radio station to more ads, with cutesy hip-hop beats, that ordered me to buy, shoved me into being just like every other neighbor, friend and politician … keep up with culture.  High art now equated with hip-hop beats and consumerism.

The tailored suit felt like a straight jacket, tethered my thoughts and limbs to my body.    My suits reassured my clients, as if my taste in clothes reflected my skills.  But the weekend sweats fit me like a glove, kept my mind cocooned from the sharp pangs of a life wasted on other peoples wants.

Cotton equals the fabric of our lives.

I tug at my starched collar (choke chain?) and I’m reminded of the poor dog at the apartment.  Like my dog, I’m Pavlov’d to believe that the door open means something wonderful is about to happen and that the piece of cheese is one more hallway and corner away.

The horn grates on my already frayed nerves.  Where the fuck could we go?  We were all stuck.  Stuck in a gridlock of dollars, deadlines and deeds.  Dysfunction disguised as business deals.  Deals disguised as success.  Dollars disguised as security.   Security had all of us drowning in the quicksand of society.

The canary colored cab inched closer to the bumper of the morally dead blonde.  She didn’t care; she still swayed to the mindless rhythm of the masses.  The cab driver flopped his tan furry arm out the window.   His other hand strangled the steering wheel.
“Move god damn it …”

God didn’t care.  He was busy winning football games and saving convicts from damnation.  God was busy condemning soldiers and fags.  God didn’t give a shit about rush hour traffic or the woman in the cab trying to make it to the airport on time.  He wouldn’t help her shove her luggage into overhead compartments or hail the next cab for the ride home.  He sure as hell wouldn’t be able to explain the broken out back door and the $20,000 worth of technology that now graced the underground.

She would still pray later that night.

I want coffee.  Good coffee.  Guatemala handpicked coffee.  My mouth is tired of cardboard masquerading as java.  Snappy green logos don’t ensure good coffee.  It only signifies that you are a mindless twit who keeps up with “the Jones”.  Wake up.  Everyone around me, sitting in their foreign made cars, wake up!

Hit snooze one more time.

The monster that kept shop in my stomach fired up the twist and turn machine and howled.  I hungered for something real.  A true caress of caring, a quick squeeze of reassurance, and a handshake that really sealed a deal … something authentic.  I moved my hands to my lap, that way I could deny all of the lies they had spread throughout my life.

My legs ached to run to nowhere (or maybe everywhere.)  They ached to stretch out of a shallow life.  Run from village to village, to find out if industry had ruined each port.  Run into women, into friends, into assaults.  Maybe blood would prove I was still alive.

Run to catch the rabbit.

The dust swirled in the gutter and was a nice change from the comatose drivers that surrounded me.  The dust had no arrogance and didn’t want to plead to a misdemeanor.  It had no set pattern.  Some clusters of dust were left behind, but it kept swirling in and out of the polluted gutters.  The breeze lifted up the discarded newspapers, read the headlines and tossed them aside.  Natural ways to create chaos.  Aren’t we all just dust in the wind?  How cliché.  Am I just a speck of insignificants?  Did I drink the Kool-Aid each time I took this harrowing drive to the city?  My life swirled around a vortex of bullshit, day in and day out.  Cashed paychecks signaled the racers to ready their positions and start it all over again.

The dead blonde lumbers from her cave; her long legs pushed open her car door.  She points to a cloud of smoke in the sky.  Her slack mouth, dangling limbs and rigid spine are enough to get the other cavemen to emerge into the light.  I let herd mentality have its way with me and I shoved open my door. The shimmer of glass, black billowing smoke and bright blue morning sky stabs my eyes.  I lean in my car window and listen to the radio.  It always has the answers.

Well that and TV, right?

“This is WNYC AM 820, and online at WNYC.org.  The time is 9:03, good morning and I’m Mark Highland and we are back now with uh, not really to many additional details of what is ah really happening downtown.  You can more than likely see it if you are anywhere in the vicinity.  EXCUSE ME!  Uh.. I’m getting …. Ummm …  a report here … our host Steve Sullivan, on um … Morning Music FM, although our FM station is off the air … actually Jude, I’m sorry, Jude is is is sitting in front of the microphone right now to tell us what he has seen.  Jude”

“Ok.  Umm …..” 

Silence.

The AM station just as dead as the FM station.

The world had just shut down.  The hum of existence had stopped and a city held its breath.  The dance of deals interrupted by the screeching of records.  Even the dust, once twirling in the gutters, understood and died out, at a loss of how to continue to move.

Thousands of shiny windows and the beautiful glow of fire. Like a train wreck you couldn’t stop watching.  These buildings swayed above a city of people.  I picked up my phone but had no one to call.  What would I say?  What could be said?

The wind, as it brushed past my face, increased with each stride.

Run and catch the rabbit.

The soft blue and red lights bounce off the buildings like balloons on a Macy’s Day Parade.  With each step on the concrete and asphalt of my ancestors, a new enchantment unveiled her face to me.  Slivers of sunlight began to rain from the building and the metal begins to wrap around each other, holding on one last time.  Plaster, cob-webbed with instability, slowly descends down the halls of money and greed and down the face of democracy.  Deals, deeds and security, engulfed in flames, flippantly fall on the city streets.

Suit jackets, hung on the back of office doors, sway to the symphony of destruction.  One floor eats the other and the ravenous beast can hold back no longer, devouring all in its path.  Chairs swiveled towards the massive black hole, taking the secretaries and fax machines along.  The body of leaves floats to the streets below, no park grass to cradle their falls.  One huge ticker tape parade for the people, by the people, of the people.

Firemen, vigilant and energetic, run from their candy red trucks.  Quietly curled hoses, wrestled from slumber, are a futile hope.

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Searching for Sierra

This is the first few paragraphs of my new short story

The tryke, red as apples and as shiny as glass, sat alone in the garage.  Just days before she had been squealing in delight as she rode down the driveway.  Her hair was caught by the summer time breeze, flowing behind her in brown waves.  The faint red stain of popsicles was still around her mouth and her blue eyes sparkled in the sun, as she would zip around on her bike.

Her outstretched arms signaled she was done with her ride and wanted to snuggle with her mom on the perfect summer time porch.  Reaching for her, her small warm arms wrapped around my neck.  I can still smell her Popsicle breath and her face against my cheek.  “Love you momma,” still fills my mind.  I pick up her tryke, place it in the garage and take her inside for her nap.

I wrap her favorite blanket (a comforter that is speckled with Blues Clues) around her little body and kiss her forehead, as her eyes began to roll into slumber.  I whisper, “I love you Sierra”, and walk out quietly.

I am somewhat relieved that it’s naptime; I had so much housework to get done before Janet got home from work.  I began picking up her toys and placing them in a basket.  Though I am humming while I work, my mind is thinking of bigger problems.  Our relationship is fading, slowly dying after nine years.  I can’t think of what triggered the change, though Janet insists it changed once we had Sierra.  Maybe she’s right, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit it.  Admitting our four year old daughter came between us felt like placing blame on Sierra, who would become an innocent casualty of adult decisions.

We decided Janet would carry our child after finding out I couldn’t have kids.  I know this decision was hard for Janet, as she never saw herself as the “carry a kid” type, but after dozens of infertility doctors and failed attempts at insemination it just made sense for Janet to carry our baby.  I was deeply moved at her gesture but at the same time deeply disappointed that I couldn’t be the one to feel our baby’s movements throughout those nine months.   Janet wasn’t as enthusiastic about being pregnant and just wanted the nine months to pass by quickly.  I think I resented her for being so non-chalant about the whole affair.  All I ever wanted was to have a family growing up.

When I realized I was gay I was convinced that having a “normal” life was out of the question.  I felt as though any hopes of being married and raising a family was out of the question.  Perhaps that’s why I became career obsessive.   I graduated top of my class in High School with a full ride scholarship to our local University.  I immersed myself in studying, ignoring the nagging feeling that something was missing.  Perhaps it was the fact that I refused to acknowledge I was gay and didn’t date, or the fact that I had only dreamed of being a mother and wife to someone and being gay meant I had to find something else … until I met her.

Stay tuned for more 🙂

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