Category Archives: Worry

A house plagued with sickness. .

that pretty sums up May so far!  All of us, with the exception of healthy as a horse Rizzi, have been on meds.  It’s funny, when I had cancer I can remember I just wanted to feel normal again, which was granted to me, but 8 years later I find myself wishing for the same health I had last year.  Though my sickness isn’t as serious as cancer, it non the less has knocked me on my ass.  It’s so strange, as those that know me would think this strange, but I have no energy to do ANYTHING!!  I just wish to stay at home and do nothing but sit and let my body heal, but I have to many jobs and duties to do that.  I have taken so much time off work these last three weeks that I won’t be able to go to CA with Rizzi and the kids. . REALLY???  I guess it’s just lifes way of letting me know to stop taking for granted all the good things in life . . it’s true, I have to be knocked down to remember how hard it is to pick yourself up but enjoy every minute of standing up.

Poor kids, Wyatt with an ear infection and Chey with a infected finger nail (WHAT???)  We are all just sitting, medication taken, watching cartoons.  I guess we all needed life to slow down so we can have a “date day” on the couch eating potato chips and lounging in pajama’s all day.  Why can’t I be a millionaire so I don’t have to worry about what work I’m missing and drag my ass to SLC tonight to train dogs?   Though truth be told dogs are my form of therapy 😉

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and continues. .

So when did calling from Afghanistan because your daughter wants to try and be a vegetarian, constitute a national crisis?  So Cheyenne tells me she feels “bad” when she eats meat and wants to “try” and be a vegetarian for 30 days.  I agree I’ll “try” with her, excluding Thanksgiving of course, and we are on day 5.  Well Andy calls from Afghanistan to tell me that he won’t allow her to be a vegetarian.  Really?  Cause you can control that?  He went on and on about how it’s a “lifestyle” choice and she isn’t old enough to make that decision.  Ummm, listen to yourself.  This is sooo about Andy and not Cheyenne.  But hey, he can’t control what happens in my home.  It was explained to the kids that they would have different rules at different houses.  The problem I’m having, he yelled at them.  Told them they were wrong for making a choice and told them they couldn’t talk to me about what happens at his home.  Fuck, can’t an adult see what this does to children?  They are made to feel like they are keeping secrets, and encouraging them to lie and feel guilt.  I feel so bad for my kids.  But, I won’t let it discourage me from allowing them some atonomy.  He is such a control freak! But thank god I’m no longer controlled by him and I think this is what gets him all wound up.

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Filed under Frustration, My kids, My past, My thoughts, Relationships, Worry

So the drama continues. .

Got the kids from K yesterday night (Andy’s wife).  She is sick, puking and all that fun stuff.  I took today off work so that  I could watch the kids.  Once the kids were safely in the car they began to tell me that K had them “lie” yesterday to get on the FrontR**er.  Turns out that if your under 5 you can ride for free, so K, with her infinite wisdom of parenting, told my kids to lie about their age.  Now, quick side note, Cheyenne has been lying about small things, so we have been re enforcing with positive praise when she is honest, and following up on her tall tales.  Now K is fully aware of the problems Cheyenne is having with honesty.  This latest incident only tops off the fact that three weeks ago she allowed my children to “take” (steal) some scooters from a bus stop in Farmington.  When I confronted her on allowing my kids to take property that isn’t theirs, she reassured me that she had filed a police report and that the PD said she could keep the scooters until the owners were found.  Well being who I am, I immediately called the FPD and wanted to ensure a report was actually made.  NOPE, the dispatcher assured me that no report had been filed, but asked that  I call the next day to be sure.  I called the next day and the dispatcher told me that, surprise surprise, a K Fresh had called a short time after my call and filed a report and stated that she (K) would be turning in the scooters that night.  And surprise surprise, she never took them in.  As I talked with Cheyenne on Friday, she mentioned she was riding “her” scooter.  I explained to Cheyenne that it wasn’t hers, that someone was probably missing their scooter.  She doesn’t get it, and why should she?  I mean another “parent” has condoned her behavior of taking what isn’t hers.

So my plan.  To confront K once again about her teaching my children to lie and steal.  I want her to explain to me why she thinks it best that I continue to allow her to care for them.  And I know, going in to this, that Andy will be calling me with hate and threats of taking my kids from me.  The only difference this time is that I’m SOLID in the fact that he can’t do that. . kinda hard with him in Afghanistan.  And even when he returns, what court is going to say that I’m wrong in teaching my children what is wrong and right?  The only thing he has is me being a lesbian, but hey, I’m bio mom and according to Utah Courts, that’s what matters right?

If anyone has input or advice PLEASE leave me a comment, I could use the help/pep talk.

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Filed under Family Time, Frustration, My kids, My thoughts, Relationships, Worry

A shift in perspective. .

So I arrive to work with a memo saying they (the admin) are auditing my time cards.  Now some background.  Prior to me enrolling in Fall Semester I met with my boss and asked her if I could come in early to work so I could comp out some of my school time instead of using vacation.  My boss was good with the arrangement so I signed up for my courses.  Started my classes on Aug 27 (should be noted that  I did the same thing through summer semester as well).  Well today her boss, we’ll call him admin, wanted to know why she was allowing me to “manipulate” the schedule.  Well. . . we do it for everyone else is what I wanted her to say, but instead she said she didn’t see a problem with it.  Admin reiterated that he didn’t think it appropriate to make those accommodations.  Fine with me, but just tell me what it is you want and let me move on.  I mean, I did this whole process proper, yet I’m the one sitting in an office.  Does that mean when I clear something with my boss I need Admin’s ok too? (ummmm chain of command anyone?)  Quite to my surprise I wasn’t pissed, I wasn’t bitter I just wanted a resolution.  Frustration did creep in and tears fell from my big brown eyes due to it, but I wasn’t angry like I have been in the past.  The meeting ended with Admin saying he’s have a recommendation by next week.  He did say that during the audit he wasn’t concerned about me “taking time” from the county, but he was concerned that my boss was allowing me to manipulate.  Whatever.  

So the shift in perspective you might ask?  As I pulled up in my driveway, battered and beaten down by my day, I saw a cop car parked across the street.  Within moments here come a Paramedic and a fire engine to my neighbors house.  Now this neighbor isn’t your typical neighbor, this is Scott and Scott is, well . . peculiar.  He has cameras all around his house, he hates the government and loves the hell out of his dog.  When I first moved in I was somewhat leary of Scott, as he seemed anti-social.  He also hated dogs (he hadn’t gotten Suki yet).  

We moved into our house in 01-2007.  We didn’t see him much, but the cameras facing our house bothered us.  In early spring, I was in the front yard doing yard work.  My sisters husband stopped by to help me out and while parked on my curb he got a flat.  Now I’m not the typical tough and rumble kinda lesbian, so I was at a loss of what we should do.  Scott, to my amazement, came over to help us with an air compressor.  It’s the first time we spoke to one another.  He was pleasant and very mellow.  He was kind.  A few weeks passed and he stopped by the house to give me some fresh cut roses from his garden.  Being the shitty neighbor I am, the vase still sits in my house filled with good intentions of returning it with Lillies (my favorite).  Scott and I formed an unusual relationship, always filled with compassion when we would see each other.  One time, at the smoke shop, we ran into each other.  Scott had a Vietnam Veteran’s hat on.  Without saying a word I hugged him.  At first he was aloof, but soon enough he put his arms around me.  He said, “why’d you do that?”  I told him, though I was young or perhaps not even born when he served in Vietnam I wanted him to know that I appreciated all that he must have went through to make sure I slept safe at night.  He looked and me and said, “your wise beyond your years young one.”  I saw Scott a few more times throughout this summer, tinkering around in his yard.  He never had many visitors and he lives alone. 

So back to tonight, I see all the chaos going on and know that Scott would want someone to take care of Suki.  She truly is his partner in life.  I head across the street, still in uniform, and enter his home.  The Paramedics had just made it in before me.  I explain that I am a neighbor and wanted to know if they had contacted anyone to take care of his dog.  Scott is in his chair, and he still has color and he is saying that he is going to pass out.  I ask the Paramedic if they know what is going on and he tells me that they think his liver is failing.  I see the cop across the room and I wind my way through his house to speak with Mr. OPD.  As I pass his bathroom I notice that blood is everywhere.  Scott is not doing well and I know it.  I come up behind Mr. OPD, tell him I’m behind him so I don’t get shot, and explain I’m a neighbor and ask if he needs help finding family.  He affirms that he does, so I find his cell phone.  Just then, Suki, the quiet little Dobi, let’s out a howl (not typical behavior at all!) and I look up in time to see Scott slowly slip into death’s doorway.  He is the color of ash, not breathing and the Paramedic announces that he can’t find a pulse.  Now I’ve seen people die before, but I don’t know them on a personal level, and this one was freaking out my mind.  I kept my wits about me and was determined to find Scott’s family.  I began looking at pictures on his mantle, trying to block out that Scott is getting tubes shoved down his throat, that his stomach is 5 times larger than normal, and a man is straddled across his chest giving compressions.  I find a picture of a little girl from sometime in the Seventies.  The name Nicole M. is on the back.  Instantly I know this is his daughter.  I pick up his phone and Nicole is the first listing of the seven programmed in his phone.  I tell the cop that I have found his next of kin.  She has to be about my age.  The paramedic on the gurny announces that they have to leave NOW or he’ll die on the way.  They begin picking up all their bags full of nothing that is going to save Scott and shuffle out the door.  I’m left standing there not knowing what has become of Scott.  The cop is on the phone with a distraught daughter and I’m standing there with his house keys in my hands.  I wanted to take Suki with me, I KNOW she is missing him already, but instead the cop asks me to leave her outside and his daughter will be by later to get her.  Well how later is what I wanted to ask, but all I could eek out with some dignity was, “ok.”  I left the house, walked across the street and couldn’t help but think this is one FUCKED up day.

I entered my warm house to be greeted by 3 smiley kids and one sexy girlfriend who kissed me right as I walked through the door.  I looked at all of them and wanted to bawl, but my kids were asking questions about the neighbor.  Wyatt asked if he was ok.  I told him he wasn’t doing well that his liver was failing.  Wyatt asked if he could die from it and I told him the truth . . that he might indeed die.  Wyatt, in full innocence, says, “but he’s such a nice guy mommy.”  I kept it together and told him, your right sweetie he is.

As I tucked my kids into bed I couldn’t help be realize how damn lucky I really am.  I have a job, I have health, I have a kickin family, I have friends. . truly I have it all.  And so what if I have to withdraw from my courses, does it really change life?  Does it really take me from what I love?

So an hour after all the chaos I sit and type, because I’m afraid if I don’t I’ll explode, push aside emotions that will creep up later and just not be so well adjusted.  I don’t know if neighbor is dead or alive, but I want him to know I love him!  With tears in my eyes I wish I would have said more to him.  I wish I would have returned that vase with lillies.  I wish, I wish, I wish.  I lit a white light for him and hope he finds peace, in whatever way he needs it, but I also hope he knows he wasn’t alone and that someone that cares for him alot was in that room with him.

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Wow. . I actually have a minute

to myself.  Weird!  I’m not sure what to do with myself so I thought I’d type random thoughts and weird ideas.  Well ok, probably not weird ideas, as my brain is goo! 

Met with some friends the other night.  I love just being with friends that you haven’t seen in some time.  We all see each other at work, but rarely find the time to actually just hang out.  It was relaxing and it recharged my weary little soul.  Thanks ladies for helping find center again!

So much happens in one day that I don’t feel like I can keep up.  I know I posted that I like to stay busy, I know far too well what happens to me and those around me when I’m bored, but frankly, I think I’m much to busy right now.  I am one of those girls that likes to keep schedules, pride myself on being organized, and this whole week has been a series of mishaps.  I’m not sure when my brain checked out on me, but it left me hanging quite a few times this week.  I feel so scattered right now!  

Ok here is the random part of the post, I know it probably won’t make sense, buts the shit that crosses my mind. . . hold on, it’ll be fun!

– Don’t be weak and then whine about it!

–  My past will haunt me only if I let it

–  I wish that others wouldn’t let their past stop their growth of today

–  I hope that Karma is in effect for everyone

–  They grow so fast and I want time to stand still

–  How can you help the helpless?

–  Why do people buy into hate?  How can they not see their impact on others?

–  Do I make the right decisions for my kids?

– When I feel weak, I look at the world around me and see that strength is not a given, it’s a talent.

– Why is it that when a women is strong, confident and sure of herself she’s known as a bitch?

–  Would a dick really make me more believable?

– Is ignorance bliss?

–  Why can’t the evil people have disease and hurt and the good have to suffer from loss, disease and pain?

–  Cause anger solves what?

–  Do all of them know that I love them so much?

–  Singing really is therapy!

–  Content is just that!

–  How does this shit really help me with getting a degree?

–  Why do I worry so much?

 

I think that’s it for today. . sheesh!

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Filed under Family Time, Frustration, My kids, My past, My thoughts, Relationships, Thinking of Friends, Worry

Your kidding me right….

that’s the first thought that ran through my head as I read the email from ML.  He said that we would be canceling our first monthly social for a equal rights group.  I have volunteered time, which is precious and few at this juncture in my life.  Then I felt like a complete failure, not sure how the whole thing fell apart.  And then within a few hours of that email, we are back on.  It seems so flaky that I’m about ready to give up, and if you know me well that doesn’t happen to often.  To top that off, a friend of mine that does Mary Kay asked if I’d help her book one last party before the end of the month.  After a ton of emails were sent out, the only responses I got back were to let me know that no one would be showing up. . that’s great, another failure in my list of failed attempts this week.  I know it was short notice, but I so hoping I could help out a friend.  So I get ready to pick up my phone and let my friend know it’ll be the two of us hanging out and chatting more or less (which isn’t a bad thing) but I was hoping to help her sales and well frankly, I’m a poor bitch. 

Off to take a Tylenol PM and let the feeling of failure slip away 😦

 

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So I’m feeling a little disappointed…

and a lot scared.  Went to the doctor today.  Not an ordinary family doctor…nope a Plastic Surgeon to be exact.  You see, when I was young and foolish. . ok 21, but that can be considered foolish, I have a “boob job.”  Well 12 years later I am having HORRIBLE pain in my left breast, so I went to see my original PS.  He was always kind and honest….and he was no less today.  Turns out I have capsuler contraction.  Not sure I spelled that right, but what it means is that they need to come out, the implants that is.  So I researched like a mad woman today because my surgery is on Friday.  It’s a major surgery, with operating time lasting 2 hours.  It’s called explant surgery.  Wow, it’s so fast it’s dizzying.  Now mind you both me and the kids started school Monday and I’ll be missing classes, but I suppose it’s for a good reason.  Of course they offer to replace the implant, for more money, but WHY??  Why do this to myself again?  So I might turn out a saggy maggy, but what can ya do?  I’m so twisted with concern, ego, and economics right now I could throw up.  So why disappointed.  Well I shared all this info with Rizzi after my appointment and let her know I was on the brink of a panic attack, which had to be pushed aside as I have a Tuesday night class, and she came home later than usual.  And the reason?  She stayed late to hang out with a fellow employee.  Now I understand I don’t command nations and my illness does not stop the world, but damn, it would have been nice to have her home with me and put kids to bed and then hang out on the porch and talk about it….still could do all that but I’d rather throw a trantrum and pout. . I know, it doesn’t work and it won’t make me feel any better, but I think I’m going to stay mad for at least a half hour…that’ll show her!!

Well I’m off to push out my lip, maybe kick and scream on the floor and cry big alligator tears 😦

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